His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
