Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
