Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
