I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
