You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
