I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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