Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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