i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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