I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
