You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
