Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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