Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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