Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
