someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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