If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
