I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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