So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
