I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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