i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
