I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
