Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
