Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
