Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
