I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
