I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
