sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
