Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
