Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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