Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
