I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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