So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
