I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
