More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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