when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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