Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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