he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
