Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
