You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
