Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
