If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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