Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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