Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
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just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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