i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
