checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
