Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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