he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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