I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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