i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
