Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
