Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
