I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just had sex bonerless
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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