I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
