Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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