if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
