Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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