overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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