I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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