I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
