I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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