im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just want nice things and good sex
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
