What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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